Tonight isn’t a good night. It isn’t even an okay night.
Tonight is the kind of night I fear during my happiest moments because even during my happiest moments I still know that nights like this one will come.
Tonight is the kind of night I feel alone. It’s the kind of night I talk myself in to believing I’m a horrible person. It’s the kind of night where I make myself feel like shit and trick myself in to believing nothing will ever get better.
Tonight I feel hopeless. I feel the weight of every wrong thing I’ve ever done and every fear that tells me nothing better is yet to come. Tonight is the kind of night that makes me wonder if I’m worth anything at all.
Tonight is the kind of night I’ll crave a simple answer to what’s wrong and scream at myself for never asking for help. It’s the kind of night I’ll feel guilty for being sad and pissed off for feeling bad. It’s the kind of night I hate but still in my head, I’ll find a reason for why it isn’t a mistake.
I’ll tell myself it’s healthy and that it’s somehow well deserved. I’ll convince myself there’s no way out. I’ll run from the light and soak in the darkness. Tonight is the night where I won’t be able to help but think about what would happen if I ended it all. But I won’t.
Tonight I’ll still keep going and tomorrow I’ll wake up. I’ll get through this night I’ve desperately dreaded because maybe the next one will be one of the nights I’ve desperately hoped would come.