It Was Never Love

After it was over, I sat there on the floor by myself, with my knees curled up to my chest, as violent sobs racked my entire body. It was never love.

It wasn’t even love on that first night when you met me at that party. It was never a sweet first and romantic kiss, but a rough and domineering takeover.

It wasn’t love when you never called me back. It wasn’t love when you made me feel like a burden every time I initiated a conversation. It wasn’t love when you made feel dumb and insignificant. It wasn’t love when you tore me down, to build your own self up.

It wasn’t love when you made me change the shirt I was wearing because it showed off too much of what you said that you “owned.” It wasn’t love when you yelled at me for choosing to hang out with my friends, over you. It wasn’t love when you ordered me to get your permission before I left my house.

It wasn’t love when you lashed out at me for not answering the phone only once. It wasn’t love when you called me over and over again and sent me nasty text messages while I was at work and couldn’t talk on the phone. It wasn’t love when you screamed at me threw the phone telling me that I better never ignore your call again.

It wasn’t love when you cheated on me with other girls behind my back, and then lied straight to my face about it. It wasn’t love when you got angry at me for not believing you or when you made me feel like I was crazy for wondering where you were.

It wasn’t love when you grabbed my hand and squeezed it as hard as you could because another guy was talking me. It wasn’t love when you told me to never speak to another man without your permission ever again.

It wasn’t love when you called me a slut out jealousy that should have never been present. It wasn’t love when you called me useless, and it wasn’t love when you told how hard I was to love. It wasn’t love when you told me nobody else could ever love me.

It wasn’t love, and it was never love, but the scariest part about it, is that I thought that it was.

16 thoughts on “It Was Never Love

  1. Such a touching piece. Reading it u get the sorrow and also the why did she step into it – but its only when u go through something similar that u also start to get the notes of helplessness, the innocence, the trueness of a soul such as the narrator. Good job putting this together

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  2. It is truly amazing how we allow ourselves to stay in terrible circumstances, but we never realize how unhealthy and abnormal it was until we have removed herself from the situation. It takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage to walk away. Even more than that I can’t imagine what it’s like to put it down on paper. After surviving something similar and being able to come out the other side and work on healing I have empathy and admiration for those who are doing the same.

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  3. Very profound. I was thinking of the antithesis of this when Forrest Gump is pushed away by Jenny one last time and says, “I am not a smart man, but I know what love is.”

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      1. Thanks. I started to comment on the controlling behavior which leads to DV, but I thought I would take it a different direction. Women who find themselves in relationships and get those early signals like you note above need to run to the nearest exit. DV is all about control and that is how it starts. He will not change – run.

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      2. Agreed. In this agency I volunteer with that helps working homeless families, about 1/3 of our mothers are domestic violence victims. They lost their home and were beaten. Our social workers use a concept called “trauma informed care,” that attempts to understand and help manage all the traumas.

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  4. Being in a DV situation is serious….it is all about control with the abuser & DV is a constant cycle: Tension building, abusive incident, and honeymoon phase….no matter what you as a victim may try to prevent occurrences or better the situation it will not work…..realizing that you are a victim & that it isn’t your fault is one of the first steps to breaking free…..it is not as easy as some say/think it is to leave an abusive person…..it is actually a very scary situation and no two people stories are the same….it takes strength, love, and support to come out of such a violent relationship or environment….it is very important to pay attention to the signs & red flags….it is important to share the knowledge and facts about DV….O yeah next month October is National Domestic Violence month

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